Barking Spiders and Stepping on Ducks

The conversation turned to flatulence. Let me rephrase… the conversation turned to the subject of flatulence. That’s better.

About fifteen or so fully-developed humans had gathered to celebrate the clock’s journey to 5 p.m., and someone had seen a recent episode of “The Doctors” that discussed the “embarrassment of flatulence.” The doctors opined that everyone has it, it’s a very natural process of digestion, and there’s nothing wrong with it.

Oh, yes, there is.

Before I lay out my case, let me confess to being very – yea, extremely – knowledgeable about this subject. In fact, if there were a kingdom of methane makers, I would be their ruler. Erect a totem pole of the top violators in the world, and you’d need a ladder to see my face.

I blame my short colon, but mostly because I can. A little dance with colon cancer in my 30s claimed about a foot of my digestive tract. I figure that leaves me with less time for the final product to manifest itself. Not so, I’m told by my cousin, Dan. He says it’s a family trait.

That’s comforting to know. At least, I’m not alone. It’s also an excuse not to hang around my family too much.

So, then, let’s assume that some of you that are reading this might consider yourselves challengers to the throne. While this is not really a contest, in fact, as with sin, we are all guilty.

We all learn ways to hide it. Personally, if you ever see me in the grocery store aisle that sells bleach and detergents, yeah, I don’t buy bleach and detergents. That’s an aisle where there aren’t a lot of people.

Company at the house for something off the grill? “Let me go check on the coals.” I don’t really need to do that. The way I prepare charcoal takes 45 minutes. All I really need to do is look at the clock.

Riding down the road with someone else in the car? “Wonder what the temperature is like?” Roll down the window, stick my hand out for a few seconds. Then, pretend they don’t know what I just did by announcing, “Yep, still hot.” Or, “Hey, I think it’s getting cooler.”

So, if it’s something that everyone does, what’s the problem? I’ll tell you what the problem is.


It may well be that everyone does it, that it’s just natural, that it’s part of the digestive process, but somebody just committed a crime on the entire universe of all mankind and they must be called out!!

“What is wrong with you?!?!”

Fortunately, for me, no one ever knows. During several of the years I was on the radio, I had two female partners that sat together on the other side of the desk. One year, for Christmas they gave me a charcoal filter cushion. They giggled about it a bunch, but I think it was just because I have a boney butt, and they knew I needed some padding.

My brother-in-law has literally fallen out of the golf cart when riding with me, but I think he has balance issues.

Yes, friends, we all suffer, but we do our best to suffer silently. Silence is golden. Silence is also deadly.

Good luck.

Damn Yankees!

Money for Nothin' (That Ain't Workin')