Thanks for coming to this debriefing on my west coast trip. Some of you are not real journalists, so I’ll start by calling only on credible reporters. Brian?
Brian Williams: Is this your first west coast trip?
Brian Williams: What was different this time?
Me: Weed is legal up and down the west coast. That’s two questions from you. Next?
Dan Rather: Cannabis is only legal in
for medicinal purposes, you know.
Me: True. But from what I observed, 98% of the state’s population suffers from glaucoma.
Maury Povich: Do you have any past relationship with cannabis?
Me: To quote a great American, Lamar Odum, “there’s a lot I don’t remember.” You with the double-wide, you have a question?
Kim Kardashian: Why are the Doobie Brothers called the Doobie Brothers? They aren’t brothers and none of them are named Doobie.
Me: Umm, are there no other ‘real’ journalists here? Go ahead, mustache…
Geraldo Rivera: Since recreational pot is legal in
Washington and Oregon,
did you buy any?
Me: To paraphrase a great American, Bill Clinton, I went into the store, but I did not buy.
Hillary Clinton: My husband is a liar!
Me: That’s not a question. You, with the cool hair…
Snoop Dogg: I once whizzled on a tizzle in a drizzle.
Me: Fo’ rizzle?
Snoop: Fo’ shizzle, my pizzle.
Me: Next? You back there playing with your tongue…
Miley Cyrus: Back, like, when I was, like, a little girl, my daddy, Billy Ray – did you know my daddy was Billy Ray? Anyway, like, Billy Ray would sing this song to me called, like, Puff The Magic Dragon, and like, it was all cute and whatever. But I got to thinking about it a few years ago, and like, I’m wondering if I should tell him it’s not really, like, a kid’s song or whatever.
Me: I wouldn’t. It would break his achy hea…
Miley: Stop! Like, don’t even! Like, I hate that ******* song!
Me: I miss Hannah
Montana. She didn’t have
a potty mouth.
Miley: Hey, I offered to keep doing the show, like, if they would let me, like, evolve as a character. Like, changing my name to Hannah Colorado or whatever. That way, I could, like, do grown-up stuff and whatever.
Me: And move in with John Denver.
Miley: Who’s that?
Me: You know, Rocky Mountain High?
Miley: Exactly! Duh!
Kim Kardashian: Can I ask another question? My mom used to listen to this Paul Simon song about when he stepped outside and smoked himself a ‘j’. Does that mean he smoked with Jay Leno? Because Ray J wasn’t alive then, I don’t think.
Me: Anyone else? You, homeless guy in the back…
Willie Nelson: My tour bus is outside. What say we get outta here and go for a ride.
Me: Got Doritos?
Kim Kardashian: Hey, wait! Before you go, let ask you something. When Kanye says he’s going to roll a fatty, where’s he rolling me to?
Me: Thanks for coming, everybody!