Kissin' Cousins (and other kin)

My wife is saying goodbye to her family. She kisses her father, then, she kisses her mother. Next, both sisters. The problem: she kisses them all on the lips.


I’m sorry (not), y’all, but I think kissin’ your kinfolk on the lips is nasty. Good on you, if that’s what you do, but leave me out. In fact, give me enough warning so I don’t have to watch.

I don’t kiss my own mom on the lips. We do cheeks. Go ahead and say it. “One day, your mama’s not going to be around, and you’re gonna wish you had kissed her lips a little more!”

No, I’m not.

I may wish I had gone for one more visit or stayed on the phone a little longer, but I’m not going to wish I had kissed her lips more. That seems odd for a grown guy to do.

Since I’m not opposed to a quick kiss on the lips from some people, I am forced to examine my criteria for who can and who cannot. Let’s start by eliminating immediate family. That will include mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers. My sister gave me a peck on the lips twenty years ago, and I’m still not over it.

We should eliminate in-laws, too. Unless they’re really hot.

I like air kissing. You know, like Europeans do, where you just kiss the air on each side of the face. Except let’s just do it on one side. And don’t ever expect me to do it with another guy.

I think kissing on the lips can be acceptable in the once-removed category. For instance, cousins are probably OK. But not aunts or uncles. That’s too close to mom or dad territory.

Girls seem to be good with casually kissing other girls. They are the more nurturing gender, so I’m OK with that if…. they aren’t kin. But guys should not kiss other guys as a simple gesture of friendship. That weirds me out.

One other category should be mentioned: dog kissers. If you let your dog lick you on the lips, don’t ask me to.


I’m going away now. Feel free to just wave.

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