Thesis: being a redneck is an artform.
Being an artform requires certain parameters. You can’t just be loud and rude and call yourself a redneck. That said, loud and rude seems to be the norm, so that can be part of the equation.
Despite a few country songs to the contrary, being a redneck is really nothing to brag about. Rednecks have only two or three friends who are typically as boorish as they are themselves.
They have abandoned any attempt at proper grammar and think doing things like shooting videos of themselves on the toilet is funny.
Before I begin defense of my argument, a confession.
Y’all, I’m Georgia born and bred. While I now identify as a Southern sophisticate, I must own up to some behavior that one might accuse of being redneckid-ish. To wit:
I was denied renewal of a lease on the first house I ever rented due to the fact that I wouldn’t cut the grass. (Ever.)
I was once invited to leave a wings and beer party for continually throwing chicken bones at the guests. (That was funny stuff!)
I have been over-served to the point of throwing up on myself. (‘Over-served’ is deferring blame to someone else.)
I’ve had my not-so-proud moments… but enough about me.
At this point, I shall abandon my own grammatical skills and defend my thesis with a collection of pictures I have took my ownself to help you identify when you are at the home of a sho-nuff redneck.
I had went to this place and done seen this with my own eyes.
Let’s begin with litter. Rednecks are trashy people. With tattoos. They’s cups and straws and candy wrappers scattered everywhere. And they’s always tars in the yard.
Gettin’ rid of tars is expensive.
Now, uptown rednecks would paint ‘em and plant some flars in ‘em, But why go to that trouble when you can just leave ‘em out back behind the shed.
Speakin’ of tars…
This here may look like an old, abandoned bike that was left in the yard ‘cause the seat’s done rotted, the chain’s off, and they ain’t no arr in the tars. But don’t let looks deceive you. This here bike was put on top of a piece of trash to keep it from blowin’ into somebody’s yard.
You can trash your own yard but not your neighbors. The mindful redneck.
And now we come to the true determining factor of the Chez Neck-rouge (French for the ‘House of the Redneck’).
Burnin’ stuff.
Y’all, a burn barrel is a must. Do not call yerself a redneck even to your friends unless you have one.
Now, a distinction must be established between a burn barrel and a burn pit.
The barrel should be generally only for yard sticks. OK, maybe a little light household garbage like paper plates and the cooked cabbage that somebody tried to serve you on ‘em. But not heavy burnin’.
Growing up in a little bitty town in northwest Georgia, we lived on the same property as the schoolhouse. They had a burn barrel out beside the playground where trash was burned at the end of the day.
One day, my older brother and me decided we should figure out why hair spray cans had “DO NOT INCINERATE” on them, so we tossed one in the burn barrel.
That sucker blowed sky high. It also cut my brother on the arm as it fell from its orbit.
The Ten Commandments should be Eleven: Thy shalt not throw Aqua Net cans on a far.
No, for trashy trash you need a burn pit.
You can throw anything in a burn pit, but beware, that don’t mean it’ll burn up.
Based on sifting through the ashes of the carefully constructed burn pit I have shown you, I now present a partial list of items that apparently will not burn:
tin cans
oscillating fans
metal plant stands
umbrellas
metal curtain rods
tricycles
I think we can conclude metal don’t burn, but don’t let that stop you from tossin’ it in the burn pit. That stuff’s gotta go somewhere!
At our place in the North Georgia hills, we have a burn pit. Not a fancy one made of cinder blocks like the one pictured above, ours is just a hole in the yard.
We tell our guests it’s an outdoor fireplace so they will feel comfortable roasting marshmallows and weenies and sittin’ around pickin’ git-tars, but it’s just a hole.
However, that hole was once home to a most glorious burn barrel. One made of truck tar rims. Three rims stacked up and welded together. In the beginning, each rim was painted a different color. One red, one white, one blue.
Nothin’ says ‘Merica! like a burn barrel made of painted truck tar rims in the front yard sportin’ the colors of Old Glory!
Now it’s just a burnin’ pit. Our nextdoor neighbors got one, too.
Those neighbors… whew, you talk about redneckacism. Every weekend, they set up in the driveway, pitch cornhole all day and drink beer like it’s water. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere? Istanbul, Turkey maybe, but it’s 10 a.m. when they get started.
We like ‘em though. The girls’ll hug you real hard and the guys’ll give you a free beer. They may not have but two friends, but it pays to be one of ‘em.
Seems like a good lesson right there. Love thy neighbor even if they’re rednecks.
Good hugs and free beer are real hard to beat.