When Guys Pee
About the only parameters I’ve ever set for these stories is that they be friendly. I’d like them to be entertaining, but that may not always happen.
So, this is your warning that the title of this story is what this piece is about. Proceed at your own risk.
A few years ago, I broke away from my hiking partner to ‘visit a tree.’ When I returned, I told her that I seemed to have developed a stance for relieving myself outdoors.
She suggested I write a story about it, but I ignored the suggestion until I realized recently it’s not just my outdoor stance, it’s my standing-to-pee stance, whether outside or not.
Why is it different?
At my house - and likely yours - I mostly sit to pee. I spend 90% of the year in shorts and usually it’s shorts with an elastic waist. Tuck your thumbs under the band, drop trou, sit, take care of business, stand up, pull up and done.
No hands on body parts, no sprinkling on the seat. Quick, clean and easy.
But I’ve noticed, re-pee-tedly, that when I’m taking care of business while standing, I’ve almost always got one hand on my hip. It almost as though I’m trying to disguise what I’m doing. Or pretend I’m not doing it.
The stance
I do it even if I’m by myself.
I also assume ‘the stance’ in public restrooms. Not sure why.
Here’s a thing about guys in a public bathroom. We don’t usually speak to each other at the urinals. If I’m at a urinal, there’s no conversation with the guy at the urinal next to me.
It is almost as though there’s something sacred about the place and space. Or maybe it’s that I know what he’s doing, he knows what I’m doing, ain’t no need for conversation.
Which is not to say that no one talks in a public bathroom, they just don’t talk during that particular exercise. Unless…
Unless their phone rings. And I do not get guys answering their phones while standing - or sitting -in a public restroom.
Hello?
Not much. We’re at a concert and it’s intermission.
Just taking a break.
No, you’re not! He knows you’ve got your phone in one hand, why don’t you tell him what’s in the other hand? Go on! Tell him!
I’m not answering my phone in a public restroom, ever. And especially not at a urinal.
I’ve got my hands full already.
(Get it?)