Rules for the Perfect Wedding

I’ll start with my credentials for this piece.

Three-time groom, two-time officiant, two-time best man and long-time sufferer of poor wedding decisions as a guest.

There is certainly more than one formula for having a great wedding.

Bev and I got married at my folks’ house, then met our friends in the back yard where we tapped a keg.

Memorable moment. The 8-year old bridesmaid pulled her tooth and showed it to her Aunt Bev during the nuptials.

Precious memories.

The first wedding I officiated was at a venue where we were all seated at the table waiting to eat just as soon as the service ended.

I kept it short, as it ideally should be. I was asked to mention the happy couple’s cats and their love for professional wrasslin’ as part of their vows.

Biscuits and gravy were options at the meal. I hopped on that!

Side note: I’ve requested cremation, but if my wife insists on burying me, pour gravy on me before lowering the coffin. No greater love hath this man than gravy. (That’s biblical, for those that don’t read the Good Book.)

The second one I officiated was at a brewery. A dog was part of the wedding party.

Hard to beat a brewery and a good dog!

I recently attended a wedding that was (almost) perfect. It set the bar higher for wedding perfection, and I wanted to share why, in case you - or someone you know - is wedding planning.

First, there was no singing.

Singing during the service is a downer. That’s when your guests start feeling like hostages.

Nothing more awkward than watching two people try to hold an eye-to-eye stare for 4 minutes pretending they are coo-coo for Coco Puffs while their friend, Donna, sings some sappy piece of goo.

If you insist on having a song sung - or played - during your ceremony, do your guests a favor and tell ‘em they can take a smoke break during that portion.

The reception afterward really set a new standard.

Let’s start with… open bar!

Look, alcohol is a social lubricant. It just is. Loosens people up.

It can even make old white men bust a move when they really should never attempt to dance.

Is conga dancing bustin’ a move?

Other highlights:

Bride and daddy dance lasted about 45 seconds. Then groom and mother dance lasted about 45 seconds.

Then the newlyweds’ first dance lasted about 45 seconds.

They incorporated standard wedding traditions without taking half the night and boring the crap out of the attendees.

When it came time for cutting the cake, the DJ announced it was happening and that anyone wanting to participate was welcome to, then he cranked the tunes back up and the dancing continued.

Speaking of the music, it was upbeat the entire time. No slow songs. I think the slowest song played the whole night was Brown Eyed Girl.

The DJ also didn’t play entire songs. If everyone was dancing to a particular song, he’d let it go for couple of minutes, but otherwise, he was bouncing through them. It allowed him to work in a lot of popular dance songs.

Elephant in the room: the word ‘almost’

‘Almost’ perfect because during the ceremony there were enough photographers and videographers filming and snapping photos to make the next Spiderman movie.

Constant movement to get the perfect shot was occasionally distracting.

I know, I know, it ain’t about me. It’s all about the bride and groom reliving these precious moments later. Which they will do exactly once, then wonder why they didn’t spend that $5,000 on something else.

Why I really wrote this

I have two weddings to attend next spring. They are young people I am very close to.

If they don’t follow my advice, I may be unhappy.

I want them to worry about that.